I’ll confess. I’ve been reading Victorian novels lately.
This got me thinking about angst muffins (who I’ll explain in a second–hold onto your corsets, lady-folks, and top hats, gentlemen), which got me in turn thinking about pastries. Food. Hunger. Uneaten dinner. Growl.
A few years ago, I stumbled across Sarah’s Snack Theory, a brilliant synthesis of three male character types that you’re likely to like, hate, or just go outright epileptic over when you meet him in the literature of your choice. Then, as if I didn’t like the girl enough already, she goes on and likens them to different types of food:
angst muffins (your brooding woe-in-soul harborers),
sandwiches (reliable boy-next-door types), and
pastries (your variegated wild cards).
Since that glorious moment of serendipitous blog surfing, various groups of my friends and I have entertained (mostly facetious) conversations about the cuisine archetypes we’re likely to meet in life. We frequently assign code categories to mutual acquaintances, thus if you heard:
“Oh my gosh, did you see how much of a meringue ____ was being today?”
–you’ll know I mean that this person is really nice to look at but is mostly just full of air, with very little substance and a lot fluffiness for brains.
“I just woke up to the most AMAZING crepe this morning”
which could mean a LOT of things, including the possibility that you got lucky last night with somebody who’s the perfect balance of sweet and satisfying without being overbearing, and then you woke up and realized it wasn’t just a dream. And maybe he/she made you delicious crepes for breakfast, too. Who knows.
Are you loving this system as much as I am yet?
As a gentle segue into this beautiful gossip-monger’s paradise, and before I run out of words in this post, I’m going to introduce you to Ala’s Breakfast Breakdown of People in Your Day-to-Day Life.
The great thing about this scale is that you can basically apply it to the people in whatever place you currently frequent most–whether that’s a school, office, home, Disneyland, madhouse, wherever. You can talk about them, to their faces, without them ever even knowing it.
So, without further ado: the breakfast types you’ll meet in your day-to-day life.
(All of the following examples are derived from Disney movies and literary works–I mean, food, lit, and Disney. You didn’t actually expect serious stuff from this blog, did you?)
#1: The English muffin
Pros: Reliable, solid, and meticulously trimmed, the English Muffin type is your go-to when you have a logical problem that needs to be solved. They make great coworkers and study buddies.
Cons: While dependable, this muffin type is not exactly brimming with surprises. They are commonly perceived as being flat all around, bland when taken alone, and just, well, there. Not necessarily your first choice for a feet-sweeping, swoon-inducing romantic interest. Maybe not even your tenth, for that matter.
How English Muffins Score: They’re might not always seem like the most terribly exciting people in the world, but don’t pass up the opportunity to get to know them, either. If you bring your own sweet addition (like a little bit of jam!), you might find that they’re more than willing to open up and take it in stride, adding a nice flair to an otherwise really solid personality. They’re not boring–they just like their data and logic a lot, and tend to come off reserved or taciturn, but you’ll never be at loss for a shoulder to lean on with an English Muffin around.
Examples: Eve from Wall-E, Violet from The Incredibles, Mr. Knightley from Emma
#2: The Donut
Pros: They’re sweet. Plain and simple. These are the people who send you care packages for no reason at all, make you little collages of every single memory you’ve had together since before you were aware you knew each other, and basically brighten up your day even if it’s 5 AM and you haven’t had your kick of caffeine yet.
Cons: You’re not really sure what’s going on here all the time. It’s sort of like the idea of having dessert for breakfast–why is there sweetness here, and how do these people always manage to have as much energy no matter what time of day it is? Sometimes you might suspect them of being falsely saccharine sweet or secretly raiding the drug cartel’s latest shipment, because there’s no way in holy hummus they can be so happy. All. The. Time. Plus, you’re not sure how much substance there is behind all the sugary overload here–their energy can come off as a bit of airheadedness.
How Donuts Score: You really can’t hate ’em. You could, but nobody’s going to give you brownie points for doing it because it’s sort of like trying to hate a Labrador Retriever puppy. At the same time, donut types don’t always feel at ease in overly formal situations, and they get a lot of flack for being filled with a lot of empty nothing. If you give them a chance, though, you’ll find that they’re sweet and true to the very core. Don’t judge donuts too quickly as a group, either: even though the stereotypical donut is just light fluff, there are plenty of heftier deep thinkers–more apple fritter types, if you will–out there, too.
Examples: Tigger from Winnie-the-Pooh, Rapunzel from Tangled, Kitty from Pride and Prejudice, Tohru from Fruits Basket (manga)
#3: The Crepe
Pros: They’re generally people people, meaning they’re bold yet classy in their interactions with others. They come in savory and sweet flavors, which means you’ll also get a nice mix with this group. Crepes tend to be leader or teacher-types with a soft but delicate exterior, making them easy to get to know, and maybe even befriend.
Cons: As much as they love working with people from all stripes and strides of life, their hyperawareness of others’ feelings can make them quick to take things personally, too. Crepes can be very sensitive and often feel the scorch coming on more acutely than other breakfast types do, even if they don’t show it, so others often feel they have to tiptoe around crepe types (or else risk waterworks). They sometimes withdraw behind professional masks as well, making their more complex interiority a bit difficult to access at a friend level.
How Crepes Score: They’re all-around dandy people who are pleasant to be around. As long as you don’t treat them ungratefully and work a bit to get past their professional or sensitive demeanor, you’ll be sure to find a charismatic and trustworthy friend.
Examples: Jane from Pride and Prejudice, John Wemmick from Great Expectations, Pacha from Emperor’s New Groove
4. The Cup o’ Joe
Pros: Okay, so coffee technically isn’t a breakfast food…but that doesn’t keep an obscene demographic from treating it as such. Cup o’ Joe types are mysterious, thoughtful, and extremely firm in their morals, which also makes them ridiculously intriguing individuals that everyone seems to want to know. And if you do know them, they are extremely caring and supportive in their own way, keeping you fueled through a bad day or year like an amazing metaphorical caffeine kick.
Cons: As with the entire coffee-for-breakfast idea, there’s something inherently unsatisfying about the cuppa’s. Their terseness came cause them to come off as standoffish or downright rude, and
How Cup o’ Joes Score: Brooding, rich, smoky, and frequently accompanied by a smoldering expression, cup o’ Joe’s are more likely to make an appearance in Victorian novels than in daily life. However, if you are (or find yourself lucky enough to meet) a coffee type, stick with it–even if you don’t dig it at first, you might find yourself becoming addicted pretty quick! Plus, they’re morally impeccable and deeply caring people, meaning despite the unfathomable exterior, you’ll never have to doubt the integrity of a cuppa–assuming you get to know one.
Examples: John Thornton from North and South, Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice, the Beast from Beauty and the Beast
Build-It-Yourself: THE PARFAIT
Ahh….and here we’ve reached the end. I’ve by no means covered all my bases, but here’s where you come in! Parfaits are layered, complex breakfasts that come in all textures, flavors, and combinations. The best part is, you can build your own with whatever you have on hand! So now, instead of actually explaining the parfait (for which you can find an amazing cookie butter granola recipe below!), I’m going to let you build your own parfait (so to speak) and leave you with this question:
Where do you fall on my Breakfast Breakdown? Or, what breakfast food that I haven’t included here best represents you (and why)?
I can’t wait to hear all of your responses! I hope you enjoyed this scale, because I had fun reading it!
(I am, by the way, a crepe-donut 😉 in case you were curious)
Crunchy Cookie Butter Granola Ingredients:
- 2/3 cup honey
- 2/3 cup cookie butter (homemade or store-bought)
- 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
- 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
- 1 cup nuts of your choice, chopped
- 2 cups quick-cooking oats
- 1/4 cup toasted black sesame seeds
- 1/2 cup white chocolate chips or raisins (or both!)
- Preheat oven to 300 degrees. In a microwave-safe bowl, combine honey, cookie butter, cinnamon, and vanilla. Heat for 20 seconds. Set aside.
- Line a large pan (I used 9×13) with lightly-greased foil. In the lined pan, combine chopped nuts, oats, and sesame seeds. Pour liquid mixture over dry ingredients and stir to combine, making sure that all of the dry ingredients get covered.
- Bake granola in preheated oven for 15 minutes, then stir and heat for an additional 10-15 minutes, until granola is fairly crunchy and golden brown. (Don’t worry if it’s not entirely clumped–it’ll clump during the cooling process!) Stir in chocolate chips or raisins. Set aside to cool completely before storing in an airtight container.