Yep I remember you telling me about that. It still gets me riled up. I’m glad that you’re aware of this and actively working on it. I still have to finish The Gift of Fear, and when I do, I think I’ll mail it to you. I promise it won’t be like when I told you I’d mail you that book from Seattle 😛

Since I’ve lost weight and gotten fit I worry more. I don’t even like taking my dog out after dark, although having the dog generally keeps people away from me. (He’s a scaredy dog Boston Terrier but he’ll bark at people which helps.) It makes me sad that now that I’m at a healthy weight I have to worry more. I can’t go for a run too early in the morning. I get in my car and immediately lock the car doors no matter where I am.

I really loved reading that last bit of wisdom: that while there ARE many amazing men out there who respect women, the world is also filled with folks who are not as amazing, and that expressing concern about women’s safety from that perspective isn’t a way of judging women–it’s a harsh reality. Thanks for sharing these thoughts, Moupi–I really appreciate them and would love to chat further about it sometime soon!

Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts, Courtney! Feeling vulnerable on my own is already a daily drag–I can’t really imagine what it’s like to have to worry about the safety of my family and the environment in which my children are raised, too. Is the cat-calling a pervasive/daily thing? (Ugh.) That sounds terrible, and I’m really sorry that it happens. I don’t really understand what some men think they accomplish by cultivating a culture of objectification and discomfort (if not outright danger) for women, but thanks again for reading and sharing.

Fong, thanks again for sharing this. I read through again and still feel angry when I think about what happened to both of you. The paralyzing surprise/shock that your friend felt is something that I have definitely experienced as well, though maybe not at such an explicit level. And the excuse-making–it’s absolutely ridiculous from an objective point of view, but I find myself doing that ALL the time. It’s people-pleasing to an extreme (and frankly harmful) degree, and I’m glad you ended up reacting, even if your reaction was delayed. I don’t know how I would have reacted. A former male student of mine (I think I’ve told you this story) was being really uncomfortably physical after the school year ended–I ran into him at a cafe and he kept patting me on the thigh when I was wearing shorts. He later commented that I was “so bubbly and happy”–and I realized that my defense mechanism was to put on a bigger smiling face and pretend nothing at all was wrong. It’s definitely something I need to be more firm about, and something on which I’m still working now.

I know–it’s a little bit scary to consider, isn’t it? I used to be a lot more conscientious about this when I was at Cal, where nighttime wandering really did feel dangerous. Yet I know that there are incidents in our area too–so I’m trying to be better about traveling alone nowadays. Often it’ll be on my way back late at night, mostly because it’s a ten-minute walk–but even then, I’m much more alert than I used to be. Thanks for sharing your perspective as well, Liz!

Of course–thanks for reading, John.